When Anger Takes Over

It would probably help to give a little bit of background information before delving into the deep end with this post. Growing up I was exposed to anger a lot, and when I say a lot I mean all the time. There was a lot of arguing, yelling, screaming, name calling, etc. A lot of unhealthy stuff that I just didn’t know was unhealthy. Now that I’m pushing 40 I’m starting to see just how destructive anger can really be. But is it really anger? I mean, on the surface it definitely looks like it.

I’ve been told that I’m an angry person. I don’t feel that I am, but when I do get angry I get angry. Who doesn’t, right? At least that’s what I thought until I learned that there was a healthy and unhealthy way of expressing it. Growing up I learned that raising my voice and physically slamming things around were the best ways to get someone to listen to you (I know, farthest from the truth and totally unhealthy thought patterns). Uh hem….I was wrong. So I’ve found myself in a place where I’m extremely uncomfortable, but also very vulnerable. I need help.

I’ve started seeing my therapist again, I needed help unpacking this because I knew that I couldn’t do it on my own. Obviously I’ve been trying and it did more harm than good. In my first session in over two years I learned that I’m not an angry person, but anger is the only emotion that I really know how to express. Thinking back to some of the arguments, altercations, and disagreements I’ve had lately I could see how that held a lot of truth. When I stop and think about what I was actually feeling as the steam in my head was building I realize that it wasn’t anger. It was a mixture of being overwhelmed, frustrated, unheard, and some other things. Those led to feeling unloved and unwanted, lies of the enemy for sure. Now I’m trying to slow things down and really think about and identify the actual emotion……it’s hard, especially in the heat of the moment.

Aside from seeing my therapist I also met with a long time girlfriend (and prayer warrior) and one of the pastors at our church. That was an interesting and very eye opening meeting. I went in there claiming that I was an angry person and walked out being reminded that I’m not worthless, I do belong, and I’m not alone. Absolutely mind blowing. Why? Because those were things that I internalized, but never verbalized in that meeting. Those reminders gave me so much encouragement.

Till next time…..

KIND: Word of 2020

What’s your word for the year? Mine is KIND. Trust me, I don’t choose my own word, sometimes I wish that I did because then I would choose something that didn’t require much change because if I’m being honest change can be so painful. That’s beside the point, change is a must if I want to progress, right? God whispered this word to me over and over again last week. I really wanted my word to be something else that I was more comfortable with, but it’s not. The first thing that I thought was, “I guess I’m a bit of a meanie if that’s what my word for this year is”. And then I looked up the meaning of the word >_<

I’ve come through realize by looking up the meaning and reading through scripture that while I may be sympathetic and helpful, I am far from gentle especially with my words. No, I’m not always “rough around the edges” when it comes to my words, but in retrospect I see how my words don’t align with my actions. I do things out of love, things to be helpful. But when I’m provoked I tend to go back and say not so kind things with regards to that.

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kind (adjective)
1a: of a sympathetic or helpful nature
  b: of a forbearing nature: GENTLE
  c: arising from or characterized by sympathy or forbearance

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I Googled “scripture with the word kind” and the first link was a list of 25 scriptures. My therapist tasked me with choosing just 3. Of course the first one that came to mind during my session (without googling anything) was the first part of 1 Corinthians 13:4, “Love is patient, love is kind…”. I rolled my eyes at myself for that one, it wasn’t really going to force me to dig deep and as much as I wanted to choose that as one of the scriptures, I didn’t. I was led to some really juicy ones. Ones that were though provoking that felt like pouring a whole lot of salt onto a fresh wound. I mean, if I’m going to let Him in and poke around at the parts that hurt I might as well let Him poke the ones that are excruciatingly painful, right?

Kind words are like honey – sweet to the soul and healthy for the body. Proverbs 16:24 NLT
At first glance it wasn’t too bad, then I really thought about the weight of my words. They have the power to crush a soul or uplift it. Cue the voice in my head repeating, “if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all”. This includes negative self talk! I am not kind to myself. On a daily basis I reinforce lies that I’ve believed to be true through negative self talk (i.e. no one really cares, you’re not worthy, you’ll never be enough). Got it, Lord, I need to change the way that I talk to myself.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32
Yes! I was actually just going to write down v. 32 because that was the verse that had the word kind in it after all. I admit, I actually started writing that verse down and then took some correction tape over it and wrote down both verses. Doh! In this season I’m working on anger, but the part about bitterness and rage >_< ok, Lord, I hear you loud and clear. This is how I’ve dissected it. In order to be truly kind and compassionate to one another, we need to have our hearts right. Lately I’ve had the tendency to do things around the house because they just need to get done, but it’s left me feeling bitter about having to do them. But I was taught that everything I do must be done to glorify God, not to please the flesh or for accolades, etc. And now the song “Do Everything” by Steven Curtis Chapman is playing in my head along with a slew of other relatable scriptures.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Colossians 3:12-13
This was another mind blowing scripture for me this morning. I am dearly loved?! I hate to admit this, but last night I was saying I don’t feel loved or worthy. He hears me. Apart from that though, these are the things that I need to practice. Kindness, gentleness and patience stuck out the most for me. Yes, again I was tempted to omit one verse because it didn’t have the word I was looking for, but I included it because it spoke to me and omitting it would have meant that I wasn’t willing God to work on that part of me. There’s a trend from the last scripture to this, forgiveness. I know that there are people and transgressions that I need to forgive, but I’ve chosen to hold onto them….maybe I feel safer if I have artillery? No, I have to forgive. My knuckles are white from clenching onto these things for dear life, but if I don’t let go I can’t open my hands to receive God’s forgiveness.

In closing, I have a lot to work on this season. A lot of unpacking and healing needs to take place.

 

Have You Fasted Lately?

This week our church started a 2-week churchwide fast. We could choose what we were refraining from partaking in and I chose social media. I knew it would be difficult, but not this difficult. I didn’t realize how much of my “extra” time I spent just scrolling aimlessly through my Instagram and Facebook feeds or looking through Facebook Marketplace for things that I don’t really need. Man, when they say that fasting helps to bring clarity that was no joke! I’m currently on day 3 and I wanted to share my revelation.

We live in a day and age where everything is about convenience. Customer service is now a chat away rather than a phone call. Just jump onto a website and more than likely there is a little chat window or icon at the bottom right corner where someone is available to answer whatever questions you have. It used to be that you had to go into the bank, mail in a check, or pick up the phone to pay bills. Now you can do all of that from a computer…..or better yet, from your mobile phone while getting a mani/pedi (not my thing in case you were wondering). As I was driving in to work yesterday I realized that I needed to call my doctor’s office to reschedule an appointment. Then, I remembered that I had that MyChart app on my phone where I could pay my bill, schedule/reschedule appointments, check-in for appointments, request Rx refills, etc. That got me thinking about this whole “convenience” thing. Allow me to go off on a tangent, I promise that I will loop back around and tie it all together in a nice and neat bow for you.

I suffer from anxiety that often leads to depression if I’m not actively doing anything to prevent it from happening. As I pondered this whole convenience thing yesterday I thought about how it seems that so many people, including myself, are riddled with mental health issues these days; like anxiety, depression. So I wondered if there was a correlation between the added convenience of everything being at our fingertips and people’s mental health. I think there is. That being said, I was never THIS anxious and I started to wonder what changed. Yes, life happens, but the biggest shift has been in societal conveniences.

This morning I realized that social media actually isolates you from other people. It allows you to be a part of what’s going on in the world around you without really taking part in it (apart from liking and commenting on people’s posts).

We thrive on instant gratification. These days virtually anything and everything is available at our fingertips from our mobile devices from anywhere at any given time. We love social media because it allows us to keep in touch. But if we can all be honest and transparent for a moment are we “keeping in touch” with those who truly matter to us or are we somewhat meddling in the lives of those we wouldn’t necessarily have in our inner circle? Furthermore, we could literally never leave our houses these days. We could work remotely, order takeout, have our groceries and other household necessities delivered to us, order car share for our kids’ school drop-off and pick-up, pay our bills online, chat with customer service if we have issues…..

Here’s my point. All of these conveniences are great if they allow for more time with your loved ones or, better yet, more time with God. However, if you’re anything like me, it probably opens up time to add more things to do on your long laundry list of things to do. We were made for fellowship, to be in relationship with others. We were never meant to be alone in this world. God says in Genesis 2:18 that it’s not good for a man to be alone, which is why he created Eve. So if we were made for relationships and modern conveniences isolate us from tangible relationships then perhaps we really need to think twice about how we are using such things. I speak for myself in saying that this has been a HUGE game changer for me. Will it be difficult to incorporate change into my life? Absolutely! But it’s necessary for my mental health and my walk with Christ.

We Made Lemonade

My last post was when my papa was diagnosed with cancer. It wasn’t until his passing that they finally gave it a name, metastatic pancreatic cancer. They weren’t able to figure out the source without putting him through a battery of unnecessary tests.

Seeing my papa, a strong man, be struck down by this disease was absolutely horrible. He endured many rounds of chemotherapy and radiation to give us just over a year with him. He went home to be with our Father on the early morning of March 23, 2019. He had a long fight with cancer and I refuse to say that he lost that battle because he didn’t. He didn’t give up, he never lost faith and he never lost hope. It was just his time. We were so blessed to have been given over an entire year with him, especially since the doctors gave us 3-4 months without any treatment.

This brought our family from other states home. It was the first time that we had all been in the same place at the same time in years. In his last year, papa got to see his namesake be brought into this world. He spent Christmas with just about our entire family and brought in the new year (2019) with everyone at his side.

In his last days we congregated at mama’s house. We shared, we laughed, we cared for papa and spent time with he and mama. I remember the night before his passing, I kissed him on his forehead and told him that I would be back early the next morning. I can’t remember why I was planning on coming back so early, probably to relieve mama and my cousin. I got the call around 6am and headed straight there. I didn’t cry, I couldn’t. I was happy for him. If you saw how he deteriorated you would understand why.

People don’t talk about this stuff enough. They don’t talk about grief and dying enough, but they should.

When Life Gives You Lemons

Yesterday I received some long anticipated news, not good news either. Some history before I move on.

My grandfather’s health has been deteriorating since last year around this time. He began losing weight and the doctor’s couldn’t figure out why. Then, he started getting tired. Last October (2017), my grandmother had a second heart attack and a triple bypass surgery that immediately followed. In that time and the period of her recovery, my papa mustered all the energy he had to devote to caring for his wife of nearly 60 years as she recovered. Once she was back on her feet and able to do things on her own, Papa began to deteriorate….quickly. It started out with more weight loss, loss of appetite, and of course fatigue and lethargy. About a month and a half ago we rushed him to the emergency room because his lips had gone numb. They found that 1) his blood count was extremely low (his was at 8 when a normal blood count is around 14) and 2) he had nodules in his lungs. The low blood count was the underlying cause of the extreme fatigue that he had been experiencing. Finding the nodules in his lungs and the severe anemia led to more questions than answers. Over the weeks to follow he would undergo more blood tests, a PET scan, and a plethora of doctor visits both with his primary care physician and with specialists (hematologist and a pulmonologist), and a change in his diet to try and boost his iron levels. Two weeks ago, he developed a hacking cough which, over the course of a week, turned into bronchitis. He also started to experience a horrible pain on his left side, which he thought was his ribs from coughing so much. Alas, he had an appointment with the hematologist yesterday, which is who we received the dreaded news from. Some form of cancer of the blood. The way it was explained to me is the nodules in his lungs are tumors, but the type of cancer he has is not the type where you can remove the tumors and eradicate the disease. No, this is different because it’s in his blood and his marrow isn’t able to produce more blood because the cancer is preventing it from doing so. Right now he is in no condition to undergo chemotherapy; if he does it’ll kill him rather than make him better. The doctor’s main goal is to manage his pain and get him stronger so he can go through chemo. He has medication for the pain, which seems to be helping (he was actually up most of the evening yesterday, something I haven’t witnessed in at least a week). We have yet to see how the medication to increase his appetite will work. If he gets stronger, he can receive the treatment. The other side of the coin is that if he doesn’t and the cancer goes untreated, he has been given 3-4 months to live (according to the doctor). I know who holds our days in his hands though.

Mama and papa, they’re strong in their faith and they’ve accepted the inevitability of death. They realize that life here on earth is transitory until we reach our final destination as Christians. I have to say that I was expecting a diagnosis of the sort, but that doesn’t mean that it was an easy pill to swallow.

So I guess this is where you’d insert scripture from Isaiah (“…and by his wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5) saying that because the Word says it, he will be healed. I guess part of me is jaded and then there’s also me understanding the context of this scripture. Jesus did not die on the cross to heal us of all ailments nor did he die on the cross to prevent us from experiencing pain, trials and tribulations. The verse in its entirety paints a different picture. Jesus was pierced and crushed for our sins. His punishment brought us peace in that as Christians we are promised eternal life through the death of our Savior. I think what’s more appropriate here is Matthew 6 where Jesus teaches his disciples how to pray. In v. 10 he says “thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven”. How powerful is that statement? What God has willed in heaven is what will be carried out here on earth. Nothing can stand in the way of God’s will.

I accept the diagnosis and I am at peace knowing that 1) papa is saved and 2) we have hope. While God’s word and will is final we as mere mortals do not know what the future holds, only He does. So it’s a balancing act between accepting the facts and clinging to our hope in the Lord.

 

06.16.16 Foster Love

Scripture:

Whoever would foster love covers an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
Proverbs 17: 9

Observation:

Love conquers all and in a relationship it is pertinent to allow love to quiet you to preserve that relationship. When we are wronged by someone we have the temptation, and fleshy tendency, to rehash past transgressions. This scripture is proof that two wrongs do not make a right, something I was taught from a very young age….but not always able to implement. Bringing unrelated wrongdoings from the past into a current argument or discussion will only cause more strive and division. We are challenged as Christians to truly forgive them for these past matters and to address only the matter at hand in an effort to preserve the relationship. It is far more important to maintain a relationship than to prove you are right.

Application:

I was never really one to bite my tongue especially when it came to relationships with the opposite sex. In the season I’m in now, I’ve been and continue to be challenged to bite my tongue to exhibit this type of love. There are times when there are so many ungodly thoughts running through my head and when I actually think about ALL the past transgressions I can bring up to prove a point. I cannot begin to tell you how difficult it can be at times to hold my tongue, especially when the past is being rehashed right before your eyes by the other party. I admit, there are times when by the slip of my tongue, or sometimes not a “slip”, those things come out and I REGRET them. Nonetheless, this scripture resonates with me. Though it is VERY difficult at times to withhold thoughts and words, I have found it to be well worth it to wait until both parties are calm and can rationally discuss things. Still, only the problem at hand should be dealt with until such a time that the other transgressions can be addressed. It’s much easier to address such things as they arise rather than all at once.

Prayer:

Heavenly Father, my tongue and my thoughts hold me captive at times, Father, rather than the other way around. Lord, I pray that in the moments when I’m tempted to lash out and rehash the past, I will be reminded of this scripture and the importance of relationships over who is right. In Jesus’ name, amen.

06.15.16 Don’t Give Up

Scripture:

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Galatians 6:9

Observation:

With everything gone awry in today’s world it can be very disheartening and even discouraging. We may want to give up and not want to press on. We may think it’s useless to continue to do good because it seems to get overshadowed by all the evil in the world. I know I’ve felt that way more than once. This scripture is a great reminder that we shouldn’t lose heart when we shine our light in the darkness. Though it may be painful and feel helpless, our light does make a difference. Just as a candle can light a darkened room, we can provide light in a dark world. We must remember that ultimately our harvest will be an eternity with our maker.
The good doesn’t go unnoticed and in light of the tragic mass slaying in Orlando over the weekend, I’ve seen so much outpouring of love and support. While I have seen a few things about this tragic event on social media talking about what happened, I’ve seen more light than darkness. I’ve read and heard stories of how strangers were helping each other and how the community was coming together to donate blood for survivors. THAT is what this world needs, LOVE not HATE. Keep pressing on.

Application:

There have been times when all I wanted to do was give up. Times when I felt that no matter how much good I did, it would be trumped by the evil in this world. This scripture gives me so much hope. Jesus overcame the world thousands of years ago for the sake of saving his people. We cannot give up, I cannot give up.

Prayer:

Heavenly Father, thank you for showing me the goodness in the world despite all the evil. Lord, give me your eyes to see the goodness that is in the world and help me to stay encouraged. In Jesus’ mighty name, amen.

06.14.16 The Constant

Scripture:

For, “All people are like grass, and their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord endures forever.”
1 Peter 2: 24, 25

Observation:

God is the only constant in this life. Our life fades slowly from the day we are born until the day we die. All our material possessions and accolades are earthly and cannot be taken with us when we die. We should strive to be acknowledged by the only one that matters, the one true God. Chasing after notoriety or earthly possessions will not secure our salvation. It’s okay to desire those things as long as they do not become idols in our hearts and hinder or take the place of our relationship with God. We must remember that we serve an audience of one, not throngs of thousands, but one. It should be our goal to please Him and not ourselves or those around us. He is the one and only thing that will endure through the ages.

Application:

I can easily lose sight of what truly matters. Because of this I find it necessary to do a heart check every once in a while to make sure that the things I’m working towards 1) align with His will and 2) are not replacing Him in my heart and life.

Prayer:

Heavenly Father, thank you for your Word and everlasting love. Lord, I know that there are times when my actions and motives do not align with what you want for my life. I ask that in those moments you convict me of my earthly ways so that I can turn my heart back to you. In Jesus’ most precious name, amen.

 

06.13.16 Chosen

Scripture:

But the Lord said to Ananias, “Go! This man is my chosen instrument to proclaim my name to the Gentiles and their kings and to the people of Israel.”
Acts 9:15

Observation:

Saul was the exact opposite of what people thought apostles should be, yet the Lord chose him to be a champion for Christianity. A man who previously persecuted early Christians was God’s chosen instrument to proclaim the gospel to both Gentiles and Israelites. Of course it may SEEM ludicrous, but what better person to show the true ability of our God than him! God took this man and turned his life completely around for His good. If he can use a wretched man like Saul he can surely use each and every one of us! We have been called to do great things that we may think we are underqualified for or maybe even not qualified the least bit. We certainly don’t see what God sees in us. Where He sees potential we see failure. It is those things that we feel discredit us from spreading His goodness that make us who we are. Our mess is our message and our test truly is our testimony, when we allow God to take that and work through us we are able to do great things in His name.

Application:

I confess, I felt (and still sometimes feel) that I’m not qualified to be blogging and documenting my devotions. BUT my God is so much bigger than those doubts. He has shown me over the last several months how my thoughts and lessons learned can help inspire others. I didn’t think I was a good enough writer or a devout enough Christian to be publishing my thoughts on His word. What I’ve come to learn is that it’s not me speaking (or writing), but Him through me as long as I ALLOW him to work in me. Getting over myself has not been easy, but it definitely has been miraculous to see how everything is beginning to unfold.

Prayer:

Heavenly Father, it is so hard to see past my flesh sometimes, but I’m so thankful that you know exactly where you need me to be and what you need me to do. Lord, I’m sorry if at times I doubt you and your plans for me and pray that in those times you will help me in my unbelief. Father, please continue to work within me, search my heart and change me as you see fit. Though it may be painful, I welcome you with open arms. In Jesus’ mighty name, amen.

06.12.16 True Forgiveness

Scripture:

But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you.
Psalm 130:4

Observation:

God doesn’t keep a record of our wrongs once they are forgiven. So when we sin, it is important to take it to Him and ask for forgiveness rather than to wallow in self-pity. Just as God forgives us, we must also forgive ourselves. Failure to do so can keep us separated from God and keep us from serving him wholeheartedly. The same goes for forgiving others, we must forgive others just as the Lord forgives us. Harboring unforgiveness can and will 1) separate us from God and 2) damage the relationship with that person.

Application:

It’s always easier said than done when it comes to forgiveness. I know for a fact that it is something that I struggle with daily. I know that when I’m still mulling over something that I said I had forgiven, I haven’t fully surrendered it to God. I’ve learned over the years that in surrendering it to God it frees me from the ugliness that I feel inside. Truly giving it to him and leaving it in his hands has liberated me time and time again.

Prayer:

Heavenly Father, please search my heart for any unforgiveness that I may be holding on to and help me to release that to you. Lord, I long to be closer to you and know that anything that I hold on to that I should be releasing to you will keep us separated. Help me to let go. In Jesus’ matchless name, amen.